-=time for cheese=-

broken silence

2008-03-22T03:16:00.001-07:00

empty... that's the best way i can describe what i am right now. nothing really matters to me now, i dont really care about anything lately ever since... ever since you were gone. i told myself i'd forget about you but i really can't. i see you everywhere, even the smallest connections to you i go crazy on what i lost... the places we've been, the long conversations we used ot have... hell, i go crazy if i happen to pass by somewhere we just walked by. what's worse is every single moment my mind plays back of what we used to be, and every moment is agony because deep down i really want to be back to where we were... but i can't.

im in chains... i can't seem to move at all... everything is just passing by me while i stare away into nothing... it's been six months now, i should have gotten over it, over you. maybe i'm getting there, i should be happy, i should smile again coz im getting used to being without you but i can't, i won't... how can i smile and be happy about the fact that i'm used to being without you? you were my world, you were my everything. a day didn't pass by when the thought of you didn't come to my head. but what really drives me crazy is did i really love you? you see, i really cared for you, i wanted to make you laugh all the time because your voice, your laughter, your smile, i could look at it forever and i would be happy... i wanted to take care of you, i wanted to be your knight that would do anything for his princess coz that's what you want and what you are to me, a princess. i wanted to be a part of your world and hoped that you would like mine. and.. i wanted to make you feel safe around me because when i'm with you, that's how i feel... i can close my eyes, i can let my guard down, i can rest for everything will be alright coz you're there... but then, when i didn't get what expected, when you couldn't give me what i wanted, i made you change and you did... but that's wrong... i'm sorry for ever making you do that... i guess i really didn't love you. maybe i fell in love with the notion of falling in love and not with you. but for what it's worth, i really do care about you, i still do... i'm so sorry, so so sorry... i guess this is what my chains are made out of, guilt. i struggle everyday to be free but i don't have the strength, but there are those who ease my pain, my friends, my true friends. you picked up every shattered piece of me and helped in making me whole again. i'm truly grateful to the one who kept me together, the one that gave me the will to move on. when i felt like i was living in perpetual darkness, you gave your hand to me and picked me up... you ended my night, you are my dawn...

everyday i stare up the sky to watch another shooting star pass me by...

better late than never...

2007-11-15T18:23:00.001-08:00

i was supposed to post this a long time ago but i never got to do it because i thought it wasn't good enough. anyway, i hope she gets to read this but i know that won't probably happen...

you caught me by suprise, i was perfectly lonely and desolate inside my walls. i was just getting used to the cold but you, you happened. why is everything i built to protect me crumbling?! my defenses against the likes of you are faltering. i can't, i musn't, i won't... but, no matter what i did, i experienced something that i swore i won't ever do again... and that is to feel... to fall...

i can't help it, every inch of my body screams that i want and i need to be with you.
your eyes, when they look at me, all my insecurities are washed away. your voice, the moment i hear it, i know that i am not alone anymore, and you, your very being, your very presence makes me wonder what did i ever do to deserve to know and be with someone like you...

for you

2007-09-01T03:30:00.000-07:00

I feel lost without you baby
I wish that you can hear me now
You know the silence drives me crazy
I wish I were with you somehow

But I know that's impossible
It would take more than a miracle
To be where you are~
Your presence is just too far.

Not physical, not emotional
Not spiritual at all
Not logical, nonsensical
It's all ephemeral
There's nothing in this world
That I can do to be with you

I admit defeat,
Baby you're out of my reach.

You know the days are slowly passing
But right now I don't really care
Without you I'm just slowly dying
I might as well run out of air

But I know that's not what you want for me
You'd want me to be the best that I can be
Please tell me where you are~
Your presence is just too far.

I admit defeat,
Baby you're out of my reach.
-by ryan monje

i know you may not ever get to read this... i dont know if we'll ever see or speak to each other again... but i really do hope that our paths cross again and maybe that
time, we'll work...

...

2007-08-06T05:56:00.000-07:00

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
is made up on your side

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
All the words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
they lie on my floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
And when you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were

All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe, I need to feel you here with me

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

tagged!

2007-06-19T05:43:00.000-07:00

i was tagged by rach so here goes:

Instructions:
Each player of this game starts with 6 weird things about him/her. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state the rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says you are tagged in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

1.when i eat siomais at home, i separate the wrapper from the meat then eat them separately.

2.you know how people are killed with pillows? thats how i sleep. its a miracle im still alive.

3.when i see someone infront of me cry, i cry as well.

4.when im in my room and i remember something bad or embarassing, i thrash about an hit anything i see.

5.like rach's #5, i also like the smell of her fart! just joking! haha. i like my own brand. hehehe

6.i still enjoy playing pokemon. are you lauging?! screw you! haha

anyway this is not my official comeback post. im still mustering all the cheese in me. also, i wont tag anyone, im too lazy to name people. haha

blah blah blah

2006-12-05T01:01:00.000-08:00

here's the first of my non-cheese posts! haha! well let's see, what will blog about... well, a few weeks ago i watched james bond with some of my friends. the early parts were amazing but as the movie went on, it was kinda boring for me. come on, there were no gizmos or gadgets james bond was known for! his car didn't have any frigging thing modified!!! but props to james bond for his great tastes in cars. pag ako mayaman na ganun din kotse ko!!! hahaha!

but before we watched the movie, my friends and i ate at dimsum and dumplings. i wanted to try their eat all you can siomai promo. hehehe. so here's the high part of my dinner:
james:(after 40, yes 40, pieces of siomai) miss, anong record ng pinakamaraming siomai dito??
waitress: just smiles
james: pano ba yan pare ayaw sabihin eh!
friend: alam mo bakit?? baka ibreak mo raw! malulugi sila! haha

yes, that was one of my most gluttonous escapades as of yet.

ok im gonna go semi cheese... i guess the reason why i didn't enjoy the movie that much because my mind and heart were elsewhere... i think i might or really is a good movie but i really wanted to watch another movie with another person... i'll tell the movie but not the person, hahaha! i really wanted to watch happy feet especially with that person but shit happens... haaiiizzz... i eventually got to watch it with my best friends but still my heart wasn't there... anyway, during happy feet, my friends kept on bugging me that happy feet was about me. well yeah, i can kinda relate to how mumble must have felt growing up. ah pakshit! bawal na emo! haha. anyway it was a really good movie, i was laughing everytime!!! but for me, i think the story had a gap and had kinda weird ending. but all in all it was great.

i guess that's it for now... im still have lots of things to work out with so little time... when will things ever go my way?!? hay... anyway i'll leave you guys with this song so you'll know how i've been feeling recently.

Close the door
I feel a breeze
Hold me please
I hate to be alone
It's a cold night
Turn off the light
Come take my hand and...

Listen to these things I have to say
Please understand
She left me all alone again

Clear the room
Of every memory
I don't want that song back on
It's an endless maze
Take away this haze
Please mend my heart and...

Listen to these things I have to say
Please understand
She left me all alone again

Turn away
Don't want you to see me cry
I just want things the way they were
It's so hard to say goodbye
Wipe my tears and...

Listen to these things I have to say
Please understand
She left me all alone again

This I ask of you
Please stay with me
Until she comes back...

The End of Cheese

2006-11-23T06:46:00.000-08:00

I hate the way you are
So mean to me by far
The most frigid girl
That i have ever known

You speak loudly, but
When i'm not around
You'll be just like them
So shallow and obnoxious

Please...
That's enough…
That's enough…
Please...

I've said this a million times before
And i'm sick
But all that i need
And all that i bleed
And all that i care for
Is you

You said that you'd call
But time you'll be at home
But you never did
You said you did mean to

Now i'm outraged
As if we're engaged
You made me realize
I'm just your alibi

Please...
That's enough…
That's enough…
Please...

I've said this a million times before
And i'm sick
But all that i need
And all that i bleed
And all that i care for
Is you

And all that i need
And all that i bleed
And all that i care for
Is you

I hate you..

This is it. What you see is true, this may be my final blog entry. Im tired of everything. Tired of not being appreciated, tired of feeling sorry for myself tired of thinking what might have been, tired of punishing myself about thing I should have done, tired of pretending who I am not, and im tired of getting hurt all the time. Well, no more… I don’t want to feel anything. My life has been a constant downward spiral since… since my heart started beating… everything changed… I was slowly losing my sanity and I guess I had at some point. Enough of this madness… I thought that everything will be worth it as long as I get my wish… but no, its not… so from now on, I will feel no more.

Why do these things happen to me? I don’t deserve it… hell, no one does. Why is it so fucking hard?!

Before all of this, I had a plan. I was on a path. I got lost but now that changes. I will do what I had been planning all my life. Nothing can stop me now… I think there is one thing but I doubt that will happen soon.

Enough of my bullshit, emotional my ass, im done with that.

Release

2006-11-18T05:18:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since my last post, the reason being there were too many tests to study for and I had some shit to deal with. To tell you the truth, I'm not really used to studying real hard for anything. Back in high school, I just crammed the night before and everything was fine. But now, it's a whole different story. I've been consistently getting low or even failing scores in all of my subjects. I try to think that those subjects are hard but no, that's not the reason... maybe I'm just lazy, but I think there's one more...

I wish I was a bird. So I could fly away from everything... my problems, my insecurities, my loneliness, and everything that's bringing me down. I wish I could fly and be free. But I can't. I'm not a bird so I'm here, stuck in this slow motion train wreck that I call my life. I remember a conversation I had with Rachel; we both agreed that emotions and good grades are not independent of each other. It really is, especially to me. It's just that I'm missing her so much, and my heart only grows fonder and fonder after each passing day. I don't know what to think anymore... many thoughts are coming to my head and none of them are good. I just really want to see her... to be with her... why is life like that?! I get a taste of pure bliss and that's all I get, a taste...

Damn it, I can't take this anymore!!! When will I get that final release?! But... I know better... the hardest thing to do in this world is to live in it... and I have places to go and promises to keep before I can go to sleep... so I think I'll just keep on going until something better comes my way. I hope it comes soon because I'm getting tired...

finally...

2006-11-02T06:29:00.000-08:00

first and foremost, thanks vinci and rach for creating the layout... grabe ang ganda, wala akong masabi! especially the d.i.t., i love it so much (wink, wink) haha... anyway like the url says, my blog is full of cheese, so dont go on saying that i didnt warn you, you chose your fate when you read this... so here we go...

now where do i start? well, there i was, all alone in a corner watching as empty faces pass me by... my life has been like that... so cold... so empty... everyday i felt like i was hanging on a cliff feeling so helpless and desolate... but then something happened... somebody reached out their hand to me. suddenly i didnt feel so alone anymore, i finally saw someone with a face and that smile... God, i love that smile! just seeing that makes me smile too. and even if im in the darkness she was my shooting star, as i saw her i made a wish that she could be mine. but wait dont go, dont let me go... i need you... you mean the world to me. why is your light fading? please shine... smile... smile just for me. all i ever wanted was to make you happy and i tried my best. but you my shooting star, are just like other stars... they're out of my reach... and just like a shooting star it was beautiful while it lasted, but i knew it had to end. and now im back in the darkness... all alone and cold, waiting for the next shooting star...